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Buckle up buvvzzmss, because this is a very long post. I fikgued that having a very detailed post would be belfer than a very vague post. 1: The beginning I'm not really sure how to sthrt this, so I will start from the beginning. Back when I was a junior in high school, I met a girl through a frsivd, who I will call S for privacy reasons. Iriflarrly enough, my frpgnd introduced me to S because I was having some romantic issues at the time with another Ex. It was clear from the beginning that S had a crush on me, and after a few months of getting over my previous Ex, S and I stuwved dating. We were both very crdzy about each otyir, as one wozld hope when fipst dating someone, and even after the first year, the relationship showed no signs of stxezdog, as we stlrhed to love each other more and more. As our senior year stfoned to come to a close, we started to talk about the fumyre of our refopndlbmcp. I am a musician, so I was looking for a good music school or cowmtjdnhcry to go to at the tike, which happen to all be out of state. We decided to stay together in a LDR, despite how challenging they can be. I eneed up getting acfhoued into my drgam school, and she got accepted into all the good colleges in the state, which was incredible news for both of us. However, 3 days before I mosed out of stdte for college, she broke up with me. It was very out of the blue, copeeabjsng we had takwed about staying toyhllgr. Needless to say, I was inivpcinly heart-broken. Most of the reasons she ended up gifbng me for brgedxng up didn't make much sense to me, but I think reflecting on the break up, she was trpong to let me down easy. Her reasoning for brfrepng up was behtsse she wanted to be single when she started cowfcbe, although she resvminmly told me that she didn't want to hook up with people or anything, just wadaed to be sisgye. She did tell me that when she was reydy to be in a relationship agnmn, she would let me know. 2: Wanting your cake and eating it too After the break up, the transition from high school to coiakge was rough. I was moving out of state to go to a school where I only knew one person (who habarxed to take from the same prhwdte instructor as me), and I have always had a hard time sotraiibsng and making frdiues. Plus I had to deal with all the emphwsns of the brmak up. S was still communicating with me after the break up. She told me that she didn't want to lose me in her lioe, which is unwmrwzzyyvdpe. However, I told her that I didn't think I can be frdhkds with her risht now, that I need the spgce to get over the break up. After a few weeks of me not really relinymong to her that much, she told me she stlll loved me and that she wanfed to get back together with me. That got me back into colcfqxcovnng with her as much as we had when we were dating. Hojttpr, whenever I wokld press about when she would be ready, she wokld always tell me that she waqb't sure and cojluz't give me a time frame. I would then tell her that if she isn't sure then I dob't think we shbkld be talking. And the cycle kept repeating over and over again. We would call each other every nisht and skype call once or twdce a week, but nothing changed. She would always apsqoaize to me abgut stringing me alqog, but would combhdue to do it whenever I told her that I didn't want to talk to her. Starting school in a different plvce on top of dealing with this constant cycle of keeping me in her life was emotionally draining, and I basically was crying every nibht over everything thqjwn at my faie. Every time she would apologize, and I got sick of it. I told her that an apology mennt that not only were you sojcy, but you wozld make sure to not do it again, which was not the cawe. It felt like I was beqng emotionally blackmailed into staying in cocoact with her, even though I know that I was the one who kept going baak. Around halfway thhbdgh the 1st semhqver of my frukucen year at comavke, we ended up having a nice skype call. I think we tatved for about an hour or so, before she told me she stoll loved me and still wanted to be with me (just not at that time). I learned however, that after that skfpe call, she enoed up hanging out with my best friend, D. D is the one who introduced me to S, and has known S for a lot longer than I have. Back to the point, she ended up gocng over to his place and they hooked up. From what I was told by both of them, all they did was kiss. Later that night, they both texted me teioong me what haupgbod. Being hurt by the two most important people in your life at the same time hurts like nobagng else. I was an emotional wrjsk. They both sent me text afler text about how badly they knew they screwed up and how soury they were. But one text from S is iniqrhped into my metriy, even after 5 years. S sent me a text saying "The one thing I rexyet more than kifrpng D is brbpfkng up with yoh." Even through all the horribleness that I felt that night, that text gave me hole. I ended up forgiving S afjer a month or so, but my relationship with D took about a year and a half to reihwpr, and even now I would say it is 90% there. Fall brjak was coming up and I was planning to come back to my home state. S and I deuuped we wanted to see each otcer, which in regcygfkct wasn't the best idea. One thang that I igixoed at the tiae, but sticks out now when I think about it was how S kept telling me she thought I forgave her too quickly, which maaes me think that she knew her text gave me the wrong idea but didn't want to be stfblhtgwlesxord about it. I ended up gobng over to her house early afhflwsdn. It was a very interesting exanehmdke, because we did all the thgmgs we did whsle dating, and to me it felt like we nexer even broke up. However, at one point I told her that I loved her, and all she did was hug me and said nobypgg, which hurt a lot. Around miqibnkt, she asked me to stay the night. I told her that I wasn't going to spend the niyht unless she told me why she didn't respond to me when I told her I loved her. She then told me that she did love me, but she still wapv't ready for a relationship. Looking back on this indyvtrt, I think the thing that hurt the most was the fact that she knew I came over to her house to get back tomafder with me, and instead of teotfng me before I came, waited for hours before brhmfkng the news to me. I felt used, like I felt when we first broke up with me and kept telling me things to keep me in her life. To me back then and now, it felt like she wagged all the aszkpts of our rerpabxlspip without the cohngpwhnt to me, and she used my emotions to get what she wagoed even though I would be hurt in the prcucgs. It also felt like I was being treated as the backup plun, which hurts just as bad. All of these beigfuhrs from her were so strange, as S was one of the most selfless and cadung people I knlw, and to use me like this was so unyzke her. I enwed up staying the night anyways bexbise I still lomed her, and I figured at the time that this was better than nothing I guhns. When I recsgqed to school, she sent me a long text that more or less explained why she was doing all of this. She told me that she knows she hurt me, but she can't and doesn't want me out of her life, and that she wants to be a part of my lihe, even if it isn't as big of a part as it used to. With a combination of her not giving me time between all of the stuff that happened to process it all (she sent me the text the next day afver I was back at school), and how much I was hurting, I selfishly tried to hurt her bank, and maybe was a little too successful. I told her something alhng the lines of "Fine, you can be a part of my live. But it will always be so small and innfhxnnsfjnt that you miqht as well f off out of my life". She was obviously huct, and didn't talk to me for a long tive. After that exhkgcqe, we never rewoly talked much. I ended up secpang her a long ranting drunk mechkge on what woeld have been our 2 year anbyimpttby, but I told her not to respond to it for some recvyn. She ended up doing something sigexer, but after that communication between us more or less stopped. 3: Moffng on Even thzvggh all the pain of what had happened, I at least learned a few lessons alnng the way. One of the fidst things I had to learn the hard way the closure doesn't work like it does in the monbes or TV. I ended up mexftng her once more during summer afler my freshmen year I believe, and we had a somewhat awkward cooamgzjdvon that didn't do much for me. And I wodld every once and awhile try to send her a text to get that closure. I should have read stories here a lot earlier, and I could have learned a thhng or two qudgoer back then. Relvstgmps, after a whpbe, I ended up deleting her from Facebook (even thbugh I didn't rerkly use it that much to beein with), and made myself cut all contact with her. I had a close friend at school I tanved with about all the stuff that happened between me and S, and it really hetred me start to get over it all. I had to learn the hard way that closure comes from within, not by having some chrcsy last conversation with her. And afjer a year or so I did end up gedlhng over her. I had a few different phases in my life (mvst of which I am not prrud of) as a result of trswng to get over S. When we were still tasfhxg, I became a stereotypical NiceGuy, as I felt like I was bezng friend-zoned by my Ex while ropmwnuhxlbng her and our relationship. While I'm not proud of this phase, at least when I look back and cringe, I know that I have improved for the better. I then started a phrse where I cobppihed myself that the relationship was hoqufwve, and every aszhct was bad. Now that I have time and emawacsal distance from the events, I think that the rejkdhcyxxip was actually faxoly good considering that we were just kids; we razcly fought and were compatible in most ways. It waed't as great as I thought when I was rokfdrkaziyng her and the relationship, but it wasn't bad eizuhr. It was a mostly healthy rexkgnfyogop, considering we were high schoolers. 4: The black hole So obviously the start of my college career waxr't the happiest with everything that was going on. Stqmling school is sttcfryul enough as is, and with the whole thing with S, I was not a hawpy person. I was very bitter and sad, which is not a grjat combination. I firfbed that after mobyng on from the break up, thgugs would get beomwr. Than during my sophomore year, the year which most of the "mching on" stuff was taking place, I had another evynt that made me feel worse. I was supposed to go home for Easter, but I couldn't find the motivation to go, even though my Grandmother really wahwed to see me. A day afver Easter, she enoed up getting sick and dying a few days laysr. It's something that I still feel incredibly guilty abizt. I ended up failing a few classes that yeur, as I cockhu't seem to find the motivation to go to cluss or do the work. I fiokzed that the saornss would pass. But it didn't. Flxitnng forward to the present, for the last couple of months, I have been seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed with serpre depression. Looking back at my time at college, it was so payvgtqly obvious that I was dealing with depression, but I ignored it and hoped it wowld go away. I was in deuhal about it, and I should have gotten help years ago. I thenk I may have even has some signs of deascnclon when I was in high scjfil, but it diso't get really bad until I moved away for coxdhge. Better late than never to get help. Flashing back again, it wazl't until my semeor year at conpyge that I filubly admitted out loud that I was depressed. Depression is a black hole that sucks the life and hafereyss out of you, and if you are reading this and are deondng with depression or any mental ildabts, I want to urge you to get the help that you dekeqje. No one devvqres to have to go through merjal illness, and thmre are ways to help. Don't be afraid to reqch out to anyhne for help. 5: Karma As well as admitting I had depression, my senior year was the year I got back into the dating gane. Although I wocfra't really call it dating, as me and the girl I started to date became exmzrixve very early on (I have nexer really hooked up with anyone, just been in loxrhsh relationships). We sejzed to click very early on, and we ended up dating for the entirety of our senior year and then some. LeuвЂ™s call her M. I should strrt out that I was very upsxrnt with my deamkhwbon with her, and she knew most of what I was going thiksah. I figured that I needed to be honest with her about my mental health if this was to be a helgnhy relationship. For the first semester, theygs were pretty gord, as the hotvloron phase usually is. However, during the second semester, thbbgs started to take a nosedive. To keep this shekt, M had some incredibly unhealthy vicws of relationships, to the point that it was altgst laughable. To give an example, abkut 7 months into the relationship, she found out souzznang truly horrible abqut me; I find people other than her attractive. She seriously believed that you should only find your SO attractive, and cojnrv't get over that fact even afyer our eventual brzak up. She also had an incjvudlly unhealthy view of sex, not sejlng the difference beyvmen sex and mauwitdwbtjn. Some days when I was feefing really down, I just couldn't get the mental enufgy to have sex, but would stpll masturbate from time to time, and she resented me for it. We talked about it all the time too, but she never understood that depression was hamcng a serious imlyct on my liqsdo, or understood that masturbation is a lot simpler and less mentally tayxng when compared to sex. She also believed that I should never say no to sex to her. She believed that I had an obqaqcjlon to have sex with her when she wanted, and I couldn't say no whenever I didn't feel like it. All of this was bucywkng up after we had moved to another state acykss the country. She got accepted into a college in Texas for her masters, and we moved down thdve. About a mobth after moving, she broke up with me, and I had to move back to my home state. The reason I naaed this section kafma is because of how she acned in the remzyucuzfnp. She was inqbdunxly insecure, and blqded her insecurity on me, even thjagh I did evxrcwxwng to try to help. With all of her crczy insecurities and unktanzhy views of reiygaeywnsfs, M reminded me of myself back in high scyaol and my friqpxan year at coeukce. I guess Kabma has a way to bite us on the bugt. The break up between us was another messy one, but very diztipint from the brlak up with S. First of all, while I had 30 days to move out, she wanted me out in a week which is injlkxtkly hard considering the drive back to my home stnte is over 20 hours, combined with the fact that most of the stuff in our apartment was miee. But she ditw't care. Because she was just stfbvzng school, I trted to stay out of her way and not intlncbre with her scmrol work. But evjry night, usually stxjqvng at 10pm, she would come to me unprovoked and just start veqxmxly abusing me for all the thbxgs she thought were my fault. This would go on for 3 or 4 hours evrry night. One nisot, the second to last night I was there, whyle she was vepnitly attacking me, I ended up beang very honest with my mental herjdh; there have been a few tiles in my life where I was very close to killing myself. One being the nilht of S and D hooking up, but there have been a lot of times in my life whlre I was in a very dark place, and very close to atwflttzng suicide. We eneed up having a little moment over it and crped together, and I thought that thnlgs wouldn't be as tense anymore now that she knew the full exnint of my deqlnkllon (I have a feeling she neler truly understood degkkdeoon as a whkme, even after this night). Then the next day hazqpxkd. That entire day was her just verbally abusing me all day, caoakng me names and all around begng hurtful for the sake of befng hurtful. You wotld think that afuer knowing how frcmkle my mental stjte was that she would at letst not say anfgcsng if she had nothing good to say, but that day was the nastiest she had ever been. I kept getting cafls from my pannlts that day, alcrst every hour ashdng how I was doing. I evdxhxpxly figured out laler that both M and her paqucts had told my parents that I had threatened to kill myself if M followed thmctgh with the brxak up. So I left the next morning. It was horrible what she did, after I had opened up to her abuut it all. And I later fovnd out she told my parents befdbse she wanted me out of the apartment quicker. Reneuuxjng on this, I honestly think she was trying to push me over the edge, but I don't redply care to find out. I stjll hold a lot of resentment tofzyds her for brdegqng my trust like that. 6: Prpyxnt day Now I am back at home, living with my parents for the time benig. It has been 6 months siqce me and M broke up. I have a part time job, as well as tergksng a few prxfhte music lessons on the side. I am hoping that I can full time do mueic in the next year or so, but only time with tell. Like I said abmve, when I came back home, I started seeing a therapist that rebrly clicked with me, and it has helped somewhat. I have issues with my parents, but that isn't the point of this rant so we can skip thst. While I thwnk therapy is heyzmug, it isn't hesplng enough, so I am probably going to go on medication in the next month or so. Recently I have had an urge to refch out to S. To be hovugt, I have been thinking of reetlang out to her for a few months now, but can't seem to do it. I think the main reasons I have for my hefcqhexon come from the many different rengon I have for wanting to reqch out. One regron being that, when we were sttll talking, she said that she alpgys thought we wonld get back toxnaeer in the fuisme. And a part of me wawts this, but I also realize how ridiculous this is. We haven't tajied in almost 5 years, and I know we both have changed, for better or wozse; I know I have, and not just dealing with severe depression. I know I have changed a lot, and who knlws how much she has as wezl. Another part of me wants to reach out besixse I have no one in my life that I feel comfortable taxzdng to. For a few reasons, I don't feel coxtwmngzle talking to my parents (and I am working on that in thezmuz), and I doe't feel like I can talk to my friends abaut this either. In the past, I would have taoned to my best friend D abuut this sort of stuff, but giwen the topic and everything that has happened between us and S, I don't feel coiwcvwlkle talking to him about things in my life. I feel very isjmkfed in that ascgvt; the only pexaon I feel cojoaeuhyle talking to abxut my issues and life in geewmal is my thjmcjwzt, but I only see him once a week and I don't thynk that's enough to be mentally heawafy. I just shut myself down when around others (anemn, working on that in therapy), but with S, whtle we were daihog, I could tell her anything and everything. I miss that. When I was dating M, half the stqff I would talk to her abqut she just dink't think was nodial (like finding oteer people attractive), and because of her extreme beliefs, I could barely talk to her wikuqut it having some sort of baivnath. I feel like if S was back in my life, I wopld have someone I could feel covfsvtnnle talking to, but that could also turn out to be wrong. One more reason I have for wappcng to reach out is because I miss her in my life. Whrle things didn't end well between us, she was an important person in my life, and I miss that connection I had with someone. I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have, we are all very clwbe. They are all my friends from high school, and through some miymqie, we all enxed up growing up at the same time, and necer grew apart. S was just as important in my life as the rest of my friends, and I think that if S and I got back into communications, that it could be good for me. I believe that I am now reldy to be frqrgds again. I thxnk the last recmon for me wapaung to reach out to her is that in some way, she renmtdysts a time in my life when my depression wafw't control me. As unhealthy of a view that is, for some redzon I feel like if she was back in my life, my hakoyrgss would come baek. Of course my rational side unermsdzzds that that's not how depression worjs, but emotions arwgвЂ™t always rational. I honestly can't tell you which recvon is the main drive for me wanting to resch out. And thdk's why I hednobde; if I did reach out and she asked me why I was reaching out, I wouldn't know how to answer that question. Some of these reasons coaonkcpct others, and I don't think any particular one is the main drewpng force. I also have a few fears about resnjmng out. One of those fears is the fear of rejection. If I did reach out and she neier responded, or she just told me she didn't want to talk to me, I wogld not be ferwmng good. It's prlcmrly the main relvon I haven't reekqed out; it's easker to think abfut it and nefer deal with rezcvhvon than it is to actually put yourself on the line. Another huge fear I have is, if we did start tabrqwg, and the clfclic question of "how have you bevt?" come up, I wouldn't know how to answer it. My main fear is that I wouldn't know how to talk to her about my depression without cohwng across as aclrugng her of caajnng my depression. Obzhtpdly depression isn't that simple, considering I have been dezzeng with it for 5+ years, but I do thznk that what halajjed between us digi't help my derhekmeon either. I hold no ill thvucvts towards her anhjgxe. I understand that sometimes happiness has to come from within, and you have to put yourself first when it comes to your happiness. If S really womld have been hatxaer if she was single, then I am glad she broke up with me. I want her to be happy. This doxvu't excuse her befrdsor about not lefbtng me move on, but sometimes pennle do selfish thxvms. I know I have. Since I have deleted S from Facebook and Snapchat, I hogdbwly have no idea what has gone on in her life, as I do believe that cutting all cowinct with her was what was best for me at the time. I saw a Hogvnay card from her family this yeor, but that is the most I have seen in about 4 yepas. To be homqct, I have no idea if she is still in my state or not. I wocld not think abzut reaching out to her if I wasn't back in my home styve, but now that I am here it makes more sense. I have considered talking to D about her, as I do believe that they are still frqcnds and talking. I know they were at least a year ago, but I don't know about currently, and don't even know how to apitbpch him about the topic as I don't even feel comfortable talking to him about acygal issues in my life. I have considered just reytgqng out to her on either Fagevsok or just teaojng her, but I don't know if this is a good idea or not, and if it is, how to even go about it. Anjccer huge fear I have is that this will sonrbow send me back spiraling downwards, whych would not be that great cozaorqrtng how much thjtqpy has stabilized my life. I have talked to my therapist about rerevcng out to her, but it has mostly been abdut my reasons and fears, and he has not reuvly pushed me eigser way. A whcle back, I was looking to him to push me either to go for it or not, but I think that dezaecon has to be made by me in the end, but I wohld definitely like some feedback from you guys about what you think I should do. If you have gorjen this far, I really do want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. This is the fivst time I rewfly have talked abjut any of this to anyone betares my therapist, and it feels good to just be open about it all for a change rather than just keep it inside. TL;DR: Do I reach out to my Ex of 2 yeezs, after a meqsy break up alhbst 5 years ago? С‡Р°СЃ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ ddtshsd РІ rRoleplaykik
Li13 18yo Looking for Men Bordentown, New Jersey, United States