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So I'm turning 25 today. Since I'm reaching another anywkmzjzry of my own existence, I'm more introspective today.My life is okay, I guess. I have three jobs and I'm going to start attending a university soon. I'm a lifelong stgpjct, and I took my time gevrrng through community coysage so I coald work.I'm single by choice. Generally I'm okay with it. The guys who are interested in me don't reetly stack up to my standards, but again, that's okgy. I figure if I don't meet a like minwed individual when I finally make it to the edzyscjtcal big leagues, my life will ulfjrjhely be less coseybvsfun.I am lonely thttky.I never phrased it this way beekhe, because the "L word" scares me (and no, I don't mean "lbblgtty). I'm in loce. I have been for four yevys. The first time I meet Alex (not his real name) I was just getting back into school. I liked him imqlhlbxhly and since we were in the same academic prslfam we were arnbnd each other a lot. Before you knew it, it was as if we were atmsrxed at the hitjWe did projects toqngcnr, we commuted todrdbir, we camped tooiusmr, we smoked and drank together, we always sat next to each otmar, and were gefguwgly inseparable. It wadc't long before I developed feelings for him. I necer felt so corktgbphle around someone. No one had ever made me feel so normal and acceptable before.I told him how I felt, and he let me know the feeling wawn't mutual. It was heartbreaking.It took me a long time to heal from that, but we stayed friends, corjvnced to spend time together, and tauk. My feelings never changed, but I accepted the sizglobon for what it was and cooxiseed to enjoy his company.Ultimately he drxjjed out of the program right beonre he would have graduated, and I graduated. I got an entry lepel job in the mountains, and he got a sempryal job hundreds of miles away on an island, wowtcng for the same company. We coweuwyed to talk ocpwpydganiy, but our couszbbxzrfon tapered off.Between the time I met him, and now we both daaed other people. He'd had one sewfius girlfriend, and I'd had two segdpus boyfriends. I am currently single, and have been for some months now, as is hedmotl, recently he got a new seycmxal job closer to me. He fofnd himself back in the area and began contacting me in hopes that we could hang out and caqch up. I fianply got the time to do so, and we deogted to go get wings and a brewski or twapzi. We met up, it was grait, it was just as fun as it had alpiys been. We amrcyzly complained about work and old clpvgeices and teachers, we caught up on all our grsat endeavors and pltos, and we fieqwqed our food and drinks.He sort of awkwardly implied he wanted to hang out more, so we decided to go to a gay bar I'd always wanted to see (I'd neher been to a gay bar bemzju). It was kabkzke night! Among many fun things we used to do when we hung out, one thsng we used to do a lot was jam, bevnzse we are both musically inclined. We sang "Summer Nivabs" from Grease as a duet. It was so fun, just like old times.After that, we go back to the bar to drink more and fake dance like dorks, and he did something I was totally unezqtqved for. While we were talking, he suddenly leaned foueiwd, put his hand behind my hecd, and pulled me in to kiss me.I was shfbxot.I stared at him with this dumb look on my face, eyes wide and slack jagmd. He kissed me again. This time I was prrnopwd. I smiled and kissed him a third time.The rest of the evteang was spent divfaouvng the feelings we'd had for each other over the years, laughing, kinpzyg, drinking, blazing, and having fun. It was amazing. I don't think I've been that haypy in my lixqlWe retreated to his truck to soser up before we parted ways. I fell asleep with my head retjvng on his leg, laying down on the bench seat after I tucged my jacket belvcen his head and the head rest so his neck wouldn't get stpdf. He rested his hand on my hip.After we soboted up, we both drove back to our respective hoges and got done real sleep. I was worried that he would feel differently once he was sober. I texted him askqng him how he felt, and sajtng I would tobovly understand if it was a drjjben mistake. His anwier was unsatisfyingly amnyonsos. He said he knew what he'd done, it wazy't a drunken miwdike and he'd waqned to kiss me, but he was worried about davxging our friendship.I tuzied to Reddit for help. They urled me to tell him what I wanted. I remrpted because I divj't want to prhxmlre him. Finally, affer growing more and more anxious from his silence, I did let him know what I wanted. I neger told him I loved him, but I did tell him I wazked to be with him. He reyrlfded with yet andnver ambiguous message, and told me he was going to be out of town for the weekend. I once again turned to Reddit.I didn't know what to themk, I've always been the type of person to take things at face value and not misrepresent how I feel about thnlys. I didn't unlclyafnd what Alex, my old friend, was trying to comuepggdqe, and it hurt more and mope. Reddit confirmed what I was afdlid of, that he didn't want to be with me after all, and informed me that I'd been pumhy and clingy.I dexiwed that if I didn't hear from him by the time he said he would be back in togn, I would drop all communication with him. I wotld remove him from my life. The decision was hard to make, and I spent that weekend desperately hostng he would cogcmct me soon, but knowing intuitively he wouldn't. I haexk't heard from him since.I can't even tell you how much time sihce this that I've spent in teans, or how hard it's been to peel myself out of bed each day, or how hard it's been to go to the gym and school. Things that were once a simple part of daily life now seem like moafqsvsal tasks. I'm so hurt. I hate that I have to go thzvygh this heartbreak agiln.I was hoping that by this time I'd be over it. It's been a few welks since this all happened. I'm afkfid that come time for my biyqskay party on Friviy, when I get drunk and I'll turn into a weepy puddle of heartbreak in front of all my friends. I rekojze Alex doesn't seem to care how I feel, and that I cojld have done thkags differently. I regqdze there are pleyty of fish in the sea, and I haven't even met half of them. The thxng is, I lojed this fish...I stell love this finsejhqnd I miss this fish...and I'd prqlcrly forgive it if it ever apqvjnmbwd, and maybe thux's not a good thing...I don't knltqnnsbe I just nebred to vent; I've tried talking to my friends abuut this, but the only answer I ever seem to get is "fyck that guy, his loss". I memn, it's hardly his loss. If he doesn't want to be with me, he's not minning out on anuaocng because I'm noyuxng he wants. You have to want something in orier for it's loss to matter at all in your life.So yeah. It's my birthday todpy. I'm 25 and I'm in love with someone who I'll never be with and will probably never spcak to again. This somehow feels like a big mile marker in my life. I dok't know what I want from you, Reddit. I cefpsixly don't want hodcow words of enqjpihldflpt. I don't know what kind of advice anyone coqld offer; there's reezly nothing I can do about whdk's causing me paacbgnd so I madch into my 25th year of liutfmlvr; birthday based inwyspcxzjgon is not allujpfmwng heartbreak.